My Heart is My Heart

I know it’s been quite some time since I last shared a post. So, this came through yesterday…  Cheers!

_She always knows the _right_ way to approach the issue. No matter what the project entails, she does it with passion and enthusiasm and most importantly, she does it right. She is a gre

 

My Heart is My Heart

I look in the mirror
And I don’t recognize who I see
I have a vague recollection
Though is that really me?

I don’t recall the last time
That I felt like me
It’s a blurry vision
The past that I see

Do you see who I am?
Have you been here before?
Do you know what I mean?
Is this life’s washed up shore?

This age that I stand in
It’s from my history, I know
Will I ever come of true age?
Is this all just a show?

The filter I have
It’s a beautiful curse
Though I understand
Many have been here first

My heart weeps of the thought
The idea of unsure
For so many to be lost
In the midst of a cure

When it’s all said and done
We can find comfort in the sun
For as it sets somewhere
We can trust its rise has begun

As these words meet your eyes
They might make no sense
Unless you have lived it
A diagnosis of complex

As I recover all of me
And I integrate the parts
I request your understanding
For my heart is still, and always, my heart

 

 

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Unpacking Fun!

As I was waist deep in unpacking land (I just moved to a cute little apartment), I was looking forward to pulling out my coffee mugs. Why? Because I like to collect mugs that make me smile. Before I leave Goodwill, I’ll be sure to pass by the mugs to see what gems I can get for under a buck.

I’m holding one of my favorites in the pic below. Though that one, I believe, came from TJ Max. Just couldn’t help myself when I saw it!

P.S. I can cook, too. 😉

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Hearts Will Heal

I wrote the poem below a month or two ago and stumbled upon it this past week.

I find it interesting, although not always surprising, that couples often part to never speak or communicate again (except in situations where children are involved–though in many cases, the couple might wish they could somehow never speak to each other again).

I get that relationships often end badly, and sometimes, the best option is to part without speaking or communicating, especially if the relationship was toxic or abusive. I’ve been in such situations, and I knew that unless I left, I’d continue to lose myself and was only enabling the situation. At the same time, if I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship, then in most cases, I am open to the possibility of a friendship or at least reconnecting.

Either way, when our hearts feel broken, with time, we find a way to move forward, and sometimes, that way requires physically, and often spiritually, completely separating from the individual with whom we were in a relationship. It might also mean that we need to part to come back together in the future, as for whatever reason, the timing was off.

When the “heartache” sets in–in those moments when it feels like our hearts are broken to the point that repair isn’t possible–we need to trust that the sun will shine again if we allow it to, just as we can trust that the true sun will rise and set every day without fail. We have the opportunity for growth in every relationship encounter, and, if we remain present in the moment, we will realize that life is working out exactly as it’s supposed to… and our hearts will heal.

My hope is, at that point, that we still have the courage to jump in with both feet to fully love again. xo

Hearts Will Heal 

Is this it? Is this the end?
Do they depart without a friend?

Even still…

In all his glory,  in all his sin
She will love him till the end

In all her glory,  in all her sin
Does he know who she really is?

Is there peace within their hearts?
Would they rather live this life in parts?

Was the timing off from the start?
Or was it perfect timing to fall apart?

Was it God’s design – a gift given to choose,
With a test of character and the option to lose?

Can they still win – a gift given to choose?
Will the fog clear to show love’s truth?

Will they come back together, yes or no?
Will they get tired [enough] of the same to create a new show?

Will time tell,  as it usually does?
Will time heal the torn hearts of bruises and rust?

Yes,  from dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn
Their hearts will heal as, together or not,  they walk on.

 

I See Myself in You

“I think I get why you’re attracted to me. I’m not sure why you like me.” This is what a guy said to me one time when we were just getting to know each other. I remember it clearly. We were in his kitchen. I felt sadness hit my heart in that moment, as the statement confirmed that he did not see what I saw in him, and it represented how so many of us forget that we are never defined by what happens here on this physical plane. I responded in not so many words with, “I’m not typically attracted to people I don’t like. They go hand in hand for me—like and attraction.”

And then I went on.

“I see so much of myself in you,” I said.

And it was true.

I was present to every “failed” relationship, every perceived shortfall, every heart break, every loss, and every ounce of abuse suffered that he was carrying with him. He didn’t need to tell me or say a word about any of it. I felt it, and I saw it, and as I sat there, I realized that I saw so much of me in the person sitting across from me.

I saw beyond the wall of protection—and quite a wall had been built—to the depths of his being. I felt a heart that’s first instinct was to be good. I saw a strength that had and could persevere. I saw tenacity, talent, creative instincts, and the ability to keep moving. I also saw the questions and the pain and the struggle to recall or believe that any of those qualities still stood true for him.

I saw so much of me in him.

I knew I loved this person and I knew I always would. Not because of anything he’d done or not done; not because he hung the moon for me or loved me.

I loved him because I loved him.

I loved him because his vulnerability in that moment presented me with the opportunity to dig deep within myself and maybe, for the first time in my life, truly love to love. And I knew I always would. There was nothing he could do that would take away or diminish my love for him. Because I loved him because I loved him.

I saw myself in him, and I saw him in me, and if I did not love him, then that must mean that I did not love myself. And that could not be.

Am I speaking of romantic love? Maybe, in this case. Do I love unconditionally my family and friends? Yes, I do. It’s love that I do believe can heal, and where there is love, there can be compassion, and compassion is what we need so much more of in our world today. We are so much more alike than many of us even come close to comprehending. We all have our stories that are similar and relatable, they just have different players and the culprit—be it abuse, neglect, homelessness—has a different name or face. I have to believe that if we began to truly understand that we are connected and so similar, that surely we would show more compassion, for how could you not when you are awake to the idea that your neighbor is you and you are your neighbor.

We carry around all of this baggage—this junk that looks like rage, hate, fear, and self-loathing—that weighs us down and takes us away from who we truly are; and the ego loves to hang out with our baggage and bring it up so it can keep us stuck, hold us back, and move us farther away from our truth. The “junk” is present in the events of Barcelona over the past week. It’s present in our leadership, in our organizations, on the macrocosm down to the microcosm—though it’s what’s going on at the microcosm level that often creates the macrocosm.

I feel the pain in the world today. I cry tears for humanity and the insanity that is occurring.

And over the past couple of days as thoughts about love and my life have occurred to me, I’ve wondered if I’ve been in some way foolish to go to the depths that I’m willing to go for love. I’ve even wondered if romantic love would exist for me in the future. Then, I remembered that the love I feel and have felt is real and I am willing to love because I love, even if I am not loved in return, or I do not hear the words repeated back to me.

And I am clear that true love might mean that circumstances require me to step away from those I’m in relationship with—to love from a distance, if you will—so I can remain in a space to love and continue to love in the way that is supportive and right for others, including myself. To love is to let go and accept someone for who they are and where they’re at. It does not mean you have to continue an unhealthy dance with them; it does mean, though, that you might be loving them to the fullest by unselfishly removing yourself from the situation.

I want to be free to Love, not afraid of it. I get co-dependency and those tendencies, and still, they cannot be reasons to avoid allowing myself to go to a place where many dare not go because allowing ourselves to feel might mean more pain in the future. Even if it doesn’t work out, it does not mean that love wasn’t there or that I can’t still love in the midst of leaving or breaking up from any type of relationship. It’s in those moments that it’s even more important to love, for that love will support forgiveness and keep the space open for a clearer path to move forward.

I have the thought that people often feel confused by the idea that one can love another and not be loved back, or love another even if they don’t seem loveable, and I ask, why not?

Love has no conditions.

I promise.

Much Love,

Me